A Therapist’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays
Despite what Hallmark is trying to sell, the holidays can be pretty shit for many of us. They might mark a milestone in our grief journey — maybe someone has passed away, a relationship has ended, or we’ve had to cut contact with someone important. Maybe we’re far from our loved ones in another city, province, or country and aren’t sure how to fill the days. For some, family gatherings feel unsafe or unwelcoming, and being together at the holidays can feel like a step backward in our healing journey. Financial stress, unmet expectations, or simply doing too much for others can also make this season heavy and overwhelming.
There are so many reasons why the holidays can be really hard. My hope is that these suggestions can help you navigate this holiday season a little easier.
Make a Plan
Literally, sit down and write it out.
Think about what’s weighing on you this year and how you can show yourself some grace. Notice what commitments you have, but also what feels supportive of your mental health. Maybe you want to go to the family party but you know Aunt Karen will comment on your weight. Again. You can plan ahead for how you’ll respond or step away. For example:
“Oh Aunt Karen, I’m just seeing cousin Lucy who I haven’t talked to in ages! I’m just going to pop over and say hi”.
“Aunt Karen, I know you probably mean well, but I’m not going to have a conversation about my weight.”
Alternatively maybe your calendar is looking pretty light with being far away from friends or family. Plan out some activities that you can look forward to and that will keep you busy. Schedule phone calls or FaceTimes with loved ones, or consider writing them a card. If you have some extra cash, take yourself for a speciality coffee and pastry, trying out skating at Robson Square, or checking out the Canyon Lights at Capilano Bridge. If you’re on a budget, there are also typically plenty of options: holiday lights at Canada Place, free holiday concerts around the city, or holiday CDs, books, and movies from Vancouver Public Library.
Some general recommendations I can give is don’t throw your normal routine out the window over the holidays. If you normally wake up and go for walks in the morning, continue to do that most mornings. If you normally go to bed at 10pm, stick to your bedtime most nights. Protect your energy by keeping plans realistic and within your capacity - it’s okay not to go to everything.
Set Healthy Boundaries & Stick to Them
Setting healthy boundaries can be crucial for your mental health, especially this time of year. Before we can set a boundary, we first need to know what we want, expect, and will accept from people in our life [1]. If you need support understanding what a healthy boundary looks like, this would be a great topic to book in and chat with me or another therapist.
Using Aunt Karen again: maybe you’ve decided you’re not willing to talk about your weight. That’s your boundary. Or maybe you’re not drinking alcohol this season, and you’re not okay with being pressured into it. Boundaries usually need to be stated clearly and calmly, like:
“Aunt Karen, I know you probably mean well, but I’m not going to have a conversation about my weight.”
“Bob, I’m not drinking right now. Please stop pressuring me about it.”
If the comments or pressure keeps coming, you have options: walk away, leave the event, or decide ahead of time how long you’ll stay.
It’s important to note that boundaries should be healthy and reasonable. Sometimes they can slip into rigid or unhealthy territory, for example, insisting our partner attend every single holiday event with us, even when they’re exhausted.
Take Time for Self-Care
When we talk about self-care, many think about bubble baths and massages. And while that can be a lovely, it’s doesn’t fully encompass what we as therapists mean when we say self-care.
Typically I chat with clients about getting back to the basics first. If you’re struggling right now, it might not feel feasible to do everything, and that’s okay. Maybe you’re not sleeping through the night, but you can manage a nap during the day or can find other ways to rest your body. Maybe cooking a full meal feels overwhelming, but you can grab something simple and nourishing. Start with what feels realistic.
Typically I recommend starting by focusing on:
Sleep - whether that’s at night, or picking up some extra Zzz during the day.
Nutrition - eating some meals with nutritional value, getting enough food to fuel your body, drinking water.
Moving your body - this can be something light at home, like Yoga with Adriene, walking, or whatever physical activity feels right.
Doing things you typically enjoy - this might be baking, reading a book, doing a puzzle, painting, writing, watching a movie, or taking a bubble bath.
Staying connected - whether it’s with loved ones close by or far away, or using resources like a crisis line, which are there to provide emotional support during hard times. Most crisis lines take calls 24/7, including Christmas. You can find a list of crisis lines on one of my previous blog posts linked here.
Setting boundaries like those discussed above.
Sometimes I’ll also encourage clients to build their own self-care kit. Some comforting items to turn to when things feel overwhelming. This might include some favourite snacks, developed photographs of loved ones or pets, a comfort book, a candle, affirmations, or your journal.
Feel the Feelings
It’s normal for a lot of feelings to come up at the holidays. While it can be tempting to push them down, allowing space to notice and reflect can be healing. This could be as simple as ten quiet minutes of reflection, journaling, or talking with someone you trust.
Feelings aren’t problems to be fixed. They are signals telling us something about what matters to us. Grief might remind you of how deeply you loved someone. Anger can point to a boundary that’s been crossed. Loneliness might be nudging you toward connection. Letting yourself feel, without judgment, is often the first step toward healing.
If the feelings feel too big to sit with alone, that’s okay too. You don’t have to process everything on your own. You can reach out to a friend, a support line, or your therapist to provide support.
Ask For Help
Ask for help from the safe people in your life. Maybe it’s a family member or a friend who can support you on a night where you’re encountering a difficult milestone, like the first Christmas Eve without a loved one. Maybe you’re the one hosting Christmas and you need some extra support from your partner or sibling. If you're far away from home, maybe you’re asking a friend or family member to check in on you regularly.
If you need more support, a therapist can work with you to create a plan that feels tailored to your situation.
Do You Need Support?
If you are in British Columbia and are looking for a counsellor, I invite you to book in for a free 20-minute consultation where we can explore how I can support you as you navigate this holiday season. Click here to book. And if I’m not the right fit? I’m always more than happy to make a referral to my trusted network of clinicians.
References
[1] Psychology Today. (n.d.) Boundaries. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/boundaries
*I do my best to ensure my posts are accurate and to cite reputable sources, however if you notice something that needs a correction please reach out to me at monica@beginagaintoday.ca.
