How Do I Heal from a Breakup?
Breakups are awful. I’ve tried to compile some general suggests on healing from a breakup, but if you’re looking for personalized support and live in British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, the Yukon, the Northwest Territories, or Nunavut, please feel free to book in for a free online consultation.
And remember, nothing works, until something does.
Take time to feel the feelings. Allow yourself to grieve.
It can be tempting to avoid, shut off, or numb painful emotions. If that's typically how you cope and protect yourself, that makes a lot of sense. However, allowing yourself to experience your emotions is an important part of the grieving process.
As difficult as it may be, try to make space for whatever you're feeling without judging yourself for it. Show yourself the same compassion you would offer someone you care about. You've lost someone who mattered deeply to you, and it's okay to grieve. Whether you're feeling sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, or a combination of many emotions, there is no "right" way to grieve.
Create new moments and memories.
When you've been with someone for a long time, you've likely shared countless experiences together. The restaurant where you had your first date. The movie you both laughed so hard you cried watching. The place where you first said, "I love you." After a breakup, these places and memories can feel especially painful or emotionally charged.
Many of my clients (and I personally) have found it helpful to intentionally create new memories in those spaces. Rather than avoiding them forever, consider gently revisiting them when you feel ready and replacing some of those old associations with new experiences.
What might that look like? Maybe you go back to the restaurant where you had your first date, but this time you go with your closest friends. Instead of ordering dinner, you decide to share every dessert on the menu. Or you ask the server to surprise you with a meal and make an evening out of trying something new.
Over time, those places may begin to hold more than one story. The next time you think of that restaurant, you may still remember your relationship, but you might also remember laughing with your friends and creating a new chapter in your life.
Find ways to say goodbye to the relationship.
Sometimes we might feel like we need a sense of closure to begin moving on. Maybe you have a relationship where sitting down together and saying goodbye is possible. You might write your ex a letter with how you’re feeling and reflect on what the breakup means for you, and rather than mailing it (or texting/emailing it) finding a way to let go of the letter. Maybe you burn it or bury it, or maybe you put it away somewhere safe. You mind find another way to symbolize saying goodbye.
If you ended the relationship, create a list of the reasons why you left.
Sometimes it can feel like you need a sense of closure before you can begin moving forward. While that may come through a conversation with your ex, it isn't always possible or helpful. In many cases, creating your own sense of closure can be just as meaningful.
One way to do this is by writing your ex a letter. Share your thoughts, express your feelings, and reflect on what the relationship and the breakup have meant to you. Rather than sending it, consider creating a personal ritual to let it go. You might burn it, bury it, tuck it away somewhere safe, or tear it into pieces. You can acknowledge what you've lost, honour what the relationship meant to you, and give yourself permission to move forward.
There are many ways to symbolize saying goodbye. What matters most is finding something that feels meaningful to you.
Consider therapy.
While it can be helpful to find suggestions for healing in blog posts like this one or by reading books written by experts, having support that is tailored specifically to you can also be very impactful. A therapist can help you explore different parts of yourself, your attachment patterns, and provide a safe and confidential space to process and reflect.
Another important aspect of therapy is that healing can happen in relationships. When we are wounded in relationships, we can also find healing within relationships, including the relationship with a therapist.
Reflect on your internal and external resources.
Create a list of your internal resources: think about your traits or strengths that have gotten you through hard times in the past. This list might include traits like determination, willingness to ask for support, the ability to feel your feelings, a drive to find answers or resources, an ability to distract yourself from distressing thoughts, or the desire to treat yourself with love and kindness. If you’re having a hard time coming up with this list on your own, ask a trusted friend, family member, or your counsellor to support you.
Create a list of your external resources: this list will be things outside of yourself that you can resource for support and comfort. It might be safe people who you can call to talk to (family members, friends, a therapist), a pet that you can give and receive love from, places that you feel safe or comforted by (e.g. your bedroom, in the forest, by a body of water), activities that you find comforting (e.g. yoga, walking, painting, baking), an online support group or forum, etc.
Engage in self-care.
Do your best to try to take care of yourself. Start with the basics: are you eating enough? Drinking some water? Getting enough sleep? Having a shower or a bath? Once you’ve got the basics down, maybe you add in getting some movement (yoga, stretching, walking, etc.), watching your comfort movie or TV show, do something in your routine like walking your dog or doing laundry. Engaging in self-care means thinking of what will be supportive for you right now, which also might include limiting or going no-contact with your ex.
Connect with your people.
After a breakup, it can be helpful to connect with others and if it feels comfortable, lean on them for support. This might look like asking a friend to do something with you like hike or coming over to talk things through. It could also be as simple as calling or texting a friend or family member to check in and let them know how you're doing. If you’re not in a place where you feel able to lean on friends or family, another option is to reach out to a mental health or crisis line and speak with a trained support worker (which is exactly what they’re there for!). You can search for local options near you, or if you’re in BC, you can call 310-6789 (no area code required).
Do some grounding exercises.
Sometimes when we lose someone we love and care for (an attachment figure), we can almost lose a sense of security. We might feel overwhelmed with emotions and that we won’t be ok with this person. Grounding exercises can help remind our minds and our bodies that we’re safe.
You can find a list of grounding exercises here.
Read some books to support you in journey.
Some of my top recommendations post breakup would include:
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
When you’re ready to start reflecting on your relationship:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
