Having Guilt After Putting Down a Pet
Losing a pet is one of the hardest experiences we can go through. Grief can feel even more complicated when you've had to make the heartbreaking decision to put your beloved pet down. It’s so common to feel guilt about the choice, even if part of us knows it was the right thing to do for our pet.
Our pets can't tell us how much pain they're in or whether they're ready to let go. Because of that, we often have to make an impossible decision with imperfect information. While choosing pet euthanasia can feel heartbreaking, it can also be one of the most compassionate and loving gifts we can give an animal who is suffering.
Feeling guilty doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. More often, tells us just how deeply you loved and cared for your pet. You saw yourself as their protector, their advocate, and the one responsible for keeping them safe. Of course, making the decision to say goodbye can feel like it's in conflict with those values. But that doesn't mean your guilt is telling you the truth.
Many people also find themselves replaying the decision over and over, wondering if they waited too long, acted too soon, or missed another option. These questions are normal after losing a pet. But the fact that your mind is searching for certainty doesn't mean you've done something wrong. More often, it's your grief trying to make sense of an impossible decision.
I also want to acknowledge I that while the guilt won’t pass overnight, it will pass. The question might be how can we start to move forward after such a loss. Here are some ways you might start to process the guilt coming up.
Reflect on ALL the feelings that are coming up.
Try to allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings without judgement. How do we do that? We name the feeling and we show compassion to those parts that feel that way.
It’s normal and common to have many, and sometimes conflicting, emotions. Some common ones after an experience like this?
Guilt
Sadness
Grief
Relief
Loneliness
Anger
Extend yourself the same compassion you would to someone you love.
Guilt often talks in a harsh and critical voice. It tells us we should have known more, done more, or made a different choice. Instead of arguing with that voice, try meet it with compassion. You could say to it,
“I know that was a really hard decision for you to make.”
“Your feelings are understandable. It tells me how much you care about your pet.”
If that feels difficult, think about the person you're closest to. If they had to make the same heartbreaking decision for a beloved pet, would you blame them? Or would you remind them how deeply they loved their pet, how carefully they made the decision, and how much they wanted to prevent their suffering?
You deserve that same kindness, too.
Reflect on your pet’s quality of life was.
Guilt has a way of making us forget why we made a decision in the first place. It can help to gently remind yourself what your pet was experiencing leading up to that moment.
Was your pet having more bad days than good ones? Were they in pain? Had they stopped enjoying the things they once loved? Were they struggling to eat, drink, move around, or go to the bathroom? Was their quality of life continuing to decline?
If your pet was suffering, it may help to come back to the reasons you made the choice. Some people find it helpful to write those reasons down while they're still fresh in their minds. Then, when guilt or doubt begins to creep in, you have something tangible to return to. A reminder that your decision wasn't made impulsively or without love. It was made after carefully considering what was best for your pet.
Consider how the guilt might be protecting you.
When we lose someone we love our brains often search for ways to make sense of what happened. Sometimes, guilt can be one of the ways our brain tries to create a sense of control after a painful loss.
Or, the guilt may be trying to keep you connected to your pet. Reminding you how much they mattered. It may be trying to ensure you honour them. It may also be trying to reassure you that you were loving and devoted.
While guilt can feel incredibly painful, it often comes from a place of love. You don't have to continue carrying the guilt to prove that you cared. Your love for your pet existed before the guilt, and it will exist when the guilt is gone.
Reflect on your values.
Sometimes guilt comes up when we feel like we have done something that goes against our values. When you love your pet deeply, making the decision to say goodbye can feel like it conflicts with the values you hold most closely.
But it may be helpful to remember that you were likely guided by many values in that moment, too. Compassion. Love. Responsibility. Care. Courage. Integrity. Kindness. Respect.
How might your decision have been an expression of those values?
Do You Need Support?
I specialize in working with trauma and grief, both which can arise from losing a pet. If you live in British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, the Yukon, the Northwest Territories, or Nunavut, and are looking for a counsellor, I welcome you to book in for a free 20-minute consultation by clicking here. And if I’m not the right fit? I’m always more than happy to make a referral to my trusted network of clinicians.
