6 Things You Can Do This Valentine’s to Strengthen Your Relationship
I know that some people hate on Valentine’s Day, but I think it can be a wonderful opportunity to increase connection and communicate to our partner how we love and care for them. Today we’re talking about 6 things that you can do (all evidence based of course) to strengthen your relationship with your partner.
Respond to your partner’s bids for connection. An emotion bid is when a partner tries to connect or get the attention of the other partner [1]. Sometimes these bids are more obvious. Maybe our partner says, “Hey! Come give me a hug before you leave!”. Other times they might be more subtle, perhaps our partner looks out the window and says, “Wow, that’s a lot of fog” (if you live near the water in Vancouver, you know how nuts it’s been!). In both scenarios, we want to respond positively to our partner’s bid - perhaps returning to our partner for a hug and saying, “I can’t believe I almost forgot something so important! I love you and I’ll see you when I get home from work”. Or in the fog example, perhaps, “Yeah it’s nuts. Definitely gives things a spooky vibe.”
Responding to our partner’s bids don’t need to be over the top - we just want our responses to communicate that we’re listening and care about what our partner has to say. Research shows that couples that respond to one another’s bids can strengthen their relationship and are more likely to stay together [2].
Get some cuddles in! Research has found that increasing the amount of time couples spend cuddling enhances relationship satisfaction [3]. You could fold this into your routine by cuddling on the couch when watching TV or reading, or getting into bed a bit earlier to have a bedtime snuggle.
Do something thoughtful for your partner. Think about what’s important or helpful for your partner - could you give them a neck massage after a long day at the office? Run them a bubble bath with a candle? Pick them up their favourite treat on your way home from work? Send them a “good luck!” or “you’re brilliant and you’ve got this!” text before a stressful meeting at work?
When we do something thoughtful for our partner, this can increase our partner’s feelings of gratitude, which predicts increased relationship connection and satisfaction for both partners [4].
Express gratitude to your partner. Maybe they made you coffee this morning. Filled up the car with gas. Told you to sleep in while they got up with the kids. When we express gratitude when our partner does something thoughtful or helpful, it can positively enhance our view of the relationship [5].
Have a stress reducing conversation. This is a Gottman Couples Therapy intervention that helps you and your partner feel heard and validated [6]. You can read full details on how to have this conversation on the Gottman blog, but the just of it is that one partner takes a turn sharing something that’s stressful that has NOTHING to do with the relationship. The other partner listens, shows interest, validates, and takes their partner’s side.
Maybe your partner shares how their co-worker Angela is always making condescending comments towards them. It’s driving your partner nuts. Your role would be to show interest - listen, ask questions, say things like, “Gosh, she sounds awful” , “That would be so stressful to deal with”, or “I can’t believe she said that to you!”. We also want to avoid advice giving in this conversation (unless your partner specifically asks you).
Book in for couples therapy. You probably knew this one was coming - I am a therapist after all! But as we discussed in a previous blog post, your relationship doesn’t need to be full of problems to benefit from therapy. Many couples find counselling helps to improve communication and connection, strengthen their relationship, create more intimacy, and deepen their friendship [7,8].
How I Might be Able to Help?
If you live in British Columbia, I invite you to book in for a free 20-minute online consultation where we can explore what’s going on and how I might be able to support you and your partner. And if I’m not the right fit? I’m always more than happy to make a referral to my trusted network of clinicians. Book in by clicking here.
References
[1] Ury, L. (2019). What to improve your relationship? Start paying more attention to bids. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/
[2] Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26. https://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/The-Natural-Principles-of-Love.pdf
[3] Van Raalte, L. J., Floyd, K., & Mongeau, P. A. (2021). The effects of cuddling on relational quality for married couples: A longitudinal investigation. Western Journal of Communication, 85(1), 61-82.
[4] Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It's the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal relationships, 17(2), 217-233. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Algoe-Gable-Maisel-2010-Its-the-little-things.pdf
[5] Lambert, N. M., Clark, M. S., Durtschi, J., Fincham, F. D., & Graham, S. M. (2010). Benefits of expressing gratitude: Expressing gratitude to a partner changes one’s view of the relationship. Psychological science, 21(4), 574-580.
[6] Lisitsa, E. (2013). How to have a stress reducing conversation. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-stress-reducing-conversation/
[7] Garanzini, S., Yee, A., Gottman, J., Gottman, J., Cole, C., Preciado, M., & Jasculca, C. (2017). Results of Gottman method couples therapy with gay and lesbian couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(4), 674–684. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12276
[8] Davoodvandi, M., Navabi Nejad, S., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the effectiveness of Gottman couple therapy on improving marital adjustment and couples' intimacy. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 13(2), 135–141.
*I do my best to ensure my posts are accurate and to cite reputable sources, however if you notice something that needs a correction please reach out to me at monica@beginagaintoday.ca.
