Falling Into Old Patterns During the Holidays

Have you ever found yourself falling back into patterns you thought you had outgrown? Behaving or thinking like you did when you were younger? Feeling old wounds getting triggered? You’re not alone. Regression over the holidays, or when adult children return home, is something that therapists commonly hear about from their clients [1, 2].

Every family has norms and “rules”, even when they are unspoken. And although our family status quo might be unhealthy, there’s a certain level of safety in these predictable patterns [2]. And sometimes the unknown can feel scarier than the dysfunction that we know.

How can we show up to the holidays without getting triggered or regressing?

Well, that might not be a realistic expectation of ourselves. Instead, I might ask:

How can we honour how we’ve grown and show up for ourselves?

1. We can acknowledge that the parts of us that get triggered when we go home are very protective.
   
   For example, that part of us that doesn’t want to set boundaries with our parents? That younger us probably didn’t feel like she/he/they could growing up. Maybe that part of us was afraid that setting boundaries made us difficult or unlovable. That’s terrifying for a child!
   

2. We can let ourselves feel our feelings.
   
   Now, I understand that this might not be doable in the moment. If we don’t typically acknowledge our feelings (or on the flip side, if our feelings overwhelm us), doing it in the moment might not feel possible. But perhaps during some alone time later on, we can acknowledge what was going on for us.
   
   That part that doesn’t feel like she/he/they can set boundaries? They might feel really sad. Angry. Disappointed. Anxious. Insecure. Critical. Insignificant. In session, sometimes I’ll have clients look at a feeling wheel to help identify what’s coming up. From there, I’ll encourage my clients to notice where they can feel those emotions in their bodies by using felt sense words.
   
   For example, for some, sadness might bring up a welling in their eyes. A heaviness on their chest. Anger - perhaps feeling muscles tighten and tense. Anxiety - maybe a pit in our stomach.
   

3. This is where we bring our adult self into the picture to support our younger self.
   
   We can help our triggered parts by acknowledging our feelings and support ourself in regulating our feelings. We might try talking to that young part of ourself (which I know can feel weird at first). For this reason, it can help to visualize our adult self talking to that young self. What did she/he/they need to hear when they were a kid?
   
   For example, maybe when we were young we needed to hear, “I know you’re feeling like you’re letting everyone down by saying no. It feels really scary to try something different and to see your parents annoyed. But I know that you’re feeling tired, and it’s okay to take a break and get some rest. You’re not a bad kid/person for saying no”.
   
   Or in those instances where we regress back to old patterns, ”I know you’re feeling like a failure because you didn’t put up that boundary. It’s something that we’re still practicing, and it’s okay that we’re not ready to do it yet”.
   

4. Continue our healing and mental health wellness journey. Big changes don’t happen overnight, and it’s completely understandable that we regress when we’re thrown back into the environment that caused some of our wounds. We can show up for ourselves and our journeys by getting support from a therapist, reading self-help and/or mental health books, and listening to mental health podcasts.

Do You Need Support?

If you are in British Columbia and are looking for a counsellor, I invite you to book in for a free 20-minute consultation where we can explore how I can support you as you navigate this holiday season. Click here to book. And if I’m not the right fit? I’m always more than happy to make a referral to my trusted network of clinicians.

References

[1] Burkeman, O. (2013). The incredibly annoying psychology of Christmas holiday regression. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/news/oliver-burkeman-s-blog/2013/dec/20/psychology-christmas-holiday-family-regression

[2] Brothers, B. J. (1991). Virgina Satir: Foundational Ideas. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/edit/10.4324/9780203729212/virginia-satir-barbara-jo-brothers

*I do my best to ensure my posts are accurate and to cite reputable sources, however if you notice something that needs a correction please reach out to me at monica@beginagaintoday.ca.