How to Support a Loved One Who Has Experienced Sexual Assault
*This post talks about sexual assault which may be triggering for some readers. If you are a survivor of sexual assault looking for resources for support, you can click here.
Learning that someone you love has experienced sexual assault can be devastating. It’s natural to feel upset, sad, confused, shocked, or even angry. And all of these emotions are valid. At the same time, it’s important to remember that the survivor is in an especially vulnerable place. One of the most supportive things you can do is offer them compassion and stability, while finding healthy outlets elsewhere to process your own feelings.
As a therapist, I often work with clients who have experienced sexual assault. I also see people who are seeking guidance on how to support a loved one while managing their own emotions. If you’re in this position, know that it is completely valid and appropriate to seek counselling - even if you weren’t the one directly harmed.
Some Background
Sexual assault is prominent issue in Canada. It encompasses any unwanted sexual behaviour or contact that occurs without explicit consent from the other party (i.e. victim) [1]. The term sexual assault includes attempted or completed forced sexual activity, unwanted sexual touching (e.g. grabbing, kissing, fondling), or sexual contact without the victim being able to give consent (e.g. victim is intoxicated) [2].
The most recent numbers show that 8% of men and 30% of women aged 15 or older have experienced a sexual assault at some point [3]. This translates to over 11 million Canadians who are 15 and older having experienced sexual assault.
Some populations are at a higher risk of experiencing sexual assault including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ+) individuals [4], women of colour [5], indigenous women [6, 7, 8] Kaye, 2016), women in the military, women living and working in impoverished conditions [6], women who have a disability [9], and students [6, 10]
Disclosing the Assault
Studies indicate that between 41% and 100% of victims will share with someone that they were assaulted [11, 12]. Most often to a friend (87.9%), a family members (10%), or an intimate partner (8.3%). Reports to formal sources, such as police, are much lower with 2019 data indicating around 6% [13]. Why people choose to report, or not, is a complex conversation that will be covered in another blog coming up.
No “Right” Response
Our society has an idea of the “perfect victim” and the “stereotypical rape”, both of which are bullshit (to be frank). Sexual assault can happen under all sorts of circumstances, and survivors can have all sorts of reactions to the assault. There isn’t a right or a wrong way to respond. Some victims might be very emotional after their assault or when they disclose it - getting upset or angry [14]. Others might seem detached or disconnected. Some might even laugh or joke while disclosing details about the sexual assault [15]. As a therapist, none of these reactions would surprise me when someone is disclosing their assault, and many of these reactions are very protective. Further, it’s not unusual for many survivors to delay disclosing their assault or delay reporting it.
Providing Support
Research tells us that the response a victim is met with after they disclose an incident of sexual assault can impact their mental health - either negatively or positively depending on how we respond. Strong support for the suvivor can positively influence mental health and protect against negative mental health outcomes like depression or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)[16, 17, 18]. Unsupportive responses, victim blaming, judgement, disbelief, and lack of compassion can negatively influence the survivor’s wellbeing [19, 20, 21] and increase the likelihood of developing PTSD symptoms [22].
Here are some options that you might say:
“That would have been so scary.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“I want you to know I believe you, and what happened to you isn’t okay”
“Thank you for trusting me with your story. I imagine that was really hard to share”
“How can I best support you right now?”
While many times well intentioned, asking “why” questions can be taken by the survivor as assigning blame. For example, “why did you go home with them?”, “why didn’t you speak up sooner?” , “why didn’t you scream?”. You might be confused or trying to understand things from their point of view, but none the less it can come off harshly. I would recommend avoiding any “why” questions.
If you’re reading this after reacting in a way that you might now see as unsupportive, you could apologize and focus on moving forward. It’s okay if you didn’t get it perfect the first time. What is important is trying to repair the potential rupture it may have caused.
“I’m sorry for how I responded before. I want to be clear that what happened to you isn’t okay, and I want to support you. Can we try again?”
It’s okay to not always know the right thing to say. But you can be a big support by:
Listening without giving advice or solutions,
Validating their experience and how they feel
“It sounds like you felt really confused/scared/disorientated/betrayed/violated” etc.
And by offering comfort and practical support
“Would it be helpful if I stayed the night with you?”
“Do you want me to look into any support services for you, like counselling?”
“Would it help to get out of the house and go for a walk?”
“Can I give you a hug?”
Choosing to Report (or Not)
Keep in mind that the survivor might be sharing to get emotional support from you, and might not want anything outside of that. As a part of your support, you might help your loved one explore options for further support regarding the assault, or explore the option of reporting it to the police. If the victim is an adult (in British Columbia, 19 years or older), it is their choice whether or not to decide to report the incident. I would strongly encourage supporting the survivor on what feels right for them, and refrain from imposing any opinions on them unless they explicitly ask.
If the person chooses they do want to report, the two of you can:
Call 911 if you believe the victim is still in imminent danger.
Call the police via their non-emergency line. They will take initial information and set up a time for the victim to come in for an interview. You, as the support, can go with them to the station but may not be able to be in the interview.
If the person who experienced the assault is a minor (18 years or younger), you may have a legal duty to report it to the Ministry of Children and Families Department (1-800-663-9122). In BC, anyone who has reason to believe that a child or youth has been or is likely to be abused or neglected, and that the parent is unwilling or unable to protect the child or youth, must report the suspected abuse or neglect to a child welfare worker [23]. If you’re not sure if it’s appropriate to report, you can call the ministry and tell them what happened without providing identifying information to get a sense if it’s something you need to report or not.
Options for Support
In British Columbia, there are many options for support for victims of sexual assault. Often survivors are hesitant to use services because they worry they’re taking them away from someone who needs them more. But these services are there for anyone who has experienced sexual assault.
I’ve listed some services below within the Lower Mainland, but you can call a mental health line like 310 Mental Health (310-6789 no area code needed) or a crisis line (1-800-784-2433) to get support on finding further resources.
Counselling with a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma (like myself). You can also search for other therapists in Psychology Today, selecting “trauma” or “sexual abuse” as a specialization, and going through individual profiles.
Family Services of Greater Vancouver (Vancouver, Richmond, and New Westminster)
For women (cis and trans), people of all marginalized genders (including Two-Spirit, non-binary, agender, and gender diverse people), children, youth, and families who are survivors of trauma, sexual abuse, and family violence. Referral required from social worker.
Atria Women's Resource Society (Vancouver)
For women and transwomen who have experienced abuse (sexual, physical, emotional) at any age
BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Vancouver)
For male and male identifying victims of sexual abuse.
Salal Sexual Violence (Lower Mainland)
For women, trans, nonbinary, Two-Spirit, and gender diverse people who have experienced sexualized violence.
Indigenous Counselling Program: Salal Sexual Violence Support Centre (Vancouver)
For Indigenous survivors of sexualized violence, self-identified families of the MMIWG2S+, survivors of residential school and/or intergenerational trauma, and childhood sexual abuse
Chilliwack Community Services (Chilliwack)
For families, youths, children and youths who have experienced sexual abuse
Chimo Community Services (Richmond)
For children, youth, women, and gender diverse adults who are seeking counselling about abuse, sexual assault, grief, and gender-based violence
MOSAIC - Stopping the Violence Program
For self-identified women experiencing or at risk of abuse or violence in an intimate relationship.
SAIP - Family Services of Greater Vancouver (Vancouver, Richmond)
For children and youth (up to age 19) who have experienced sexual abuse and their supportive family members.
SARA for Women (Abbotsford, Mission)
For any woman who has experienced violence, abuse, and/or trauma in her life.
Vancouver and Lower Mainland Multicultural Family Support Services Society (Burnaby)
For women experiencing any form of abuse or violence, provided in numerous languages. Individual counselling, group counselling, advocacy, crisis intervention and referrals.
Ishtar Women’s Resource Society (Lower Mainland)
For women who are experiencing or have experienced abuse or violence.
Do You Need Support?
If you live in British Columbia and are looking for a counsellor, I invite you to book in for a free 20-minute consultation by clicking here. And if I’m not the right fit? I’m always more than happy to make a referral to my trusted network of clinicians.
References
[1] Government of Canada. (2009). Sexual assault and other sexual offences. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/cj-jp/victim/rr14_01/p10.html
[2] Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). Sexual assault.https://rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault#:~:text=The%20term%20sexual%20assault%20refers,or%20penetrating%20the%20perpetrator's%20body
[3] Cotter, A., & Savage, L. (2019). Gender-based violence and unwanted sexual behaviour in Canada, 2018: Initial findings from the Survey of Safety in Public and Private Spaces. Statistics Canada. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2019001/article/00017-eng.htm
[4] Messinger, A.M., & Koon-Magnin, S. (2019). Sexual violence in LGBT communities. Handbook of Sexual Assault and Sexual Assault Prevention, 661-674. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-23645-8
[5] Benoit, C., Shumka, L., Phillips, R., Kennedy, M.C., & Belle‐Isle, L. (2014). Issue brief: Sexual violence against women in Canada. Ottawa: Status of Women Canada. https://www.gov.mb.ca/msw/_docs/publications/2015_issue_brief_sexual_violence.pdf
[6] Conroy, S., & Cotter, A. (2017). Self‐reported sexual assault in Canada, 2014. Statistics Canada. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2017001/article/14842-eng.htm#
[7] Du Mont, J., Kosa, D., Macdonald, S., Benoit, A., & Forte, T. (2017). A comparison of Indigenous and non-Indigenous survivors of sexual assault and their receipt of and satisfaction with specialized health care services. PLOS ONE, 12(11), e0188253. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0188253
[8] Kaye, J. (2016). Reconciliation in the context of settler‐colonial gender violence: “How do we reconcile with an abuser?”. Canadian Review of Sociology, 53(4), 461-467 . https://doi.org/10.1111/cars.12127
[9] Basile, K. C., Breiding, M. J., & Smith, S. G. (2016). Disability and risk of recent sexual violence in the United States. American Journal of Public Health, 106(5), 928–933.
[10] Mellins, C. A., Walsh, K., Sarvet, A. L., Wall, M., Gilbert, L., Santelli, J. S., Thompson, M., Wilson, P. A., Khan, S., Benson, S., Bah, K., Kaufman, K. A., Reardon, L., & Hirsch, J. S. (2017). Sexual assault incidents among college undergraduates: Prevalence and factors associated with risk. PLOS ONE, 12(11), e0186471. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0186471
[11] Fisher, B. S., Daigle, L. E., Cullen, F. T., & Turner, M. G. (2003). Reporting sexual victimization to the police and others: Results from a national-level study of college women. Criminal Justice and Behavior, 30, 6-38. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093854802239161
[12] Sabina, C., & Ho, L. Y. (2014). Campus and college victim responses to sexual assault and dating violence disclosure, service utilization, and service provision. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 15, 201–226. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838014521322
[13] Statistics Canada (2021). Criminal victimization in Canada 2019. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/210825/dq210825a-eng.htm
[14] Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs. The effects of sexual assault. https://www.wcsap.org/help/about-sexual-assault/effects-sexual-assault
[15] Hopper, J. (2020). Important things to get right about the “neurobiology of trauma.” Part 2: Victim responses during sexual assault. End Violence Against Women International. https://evawintl.org/wp-content/uploads/TB-02_Victim-Responses.pdf
[16] Ozbay, F., Johnson, D. C., Dimoulas, E., Morgan, C. A., III, Charney, D., & Southwick, S. (2007). Social support and resilience to stress: From neurobiology to clinical practice. Psychiatry, 4, 35–40
[17] Filipas, H. H., & Ullman, S. E. (2001). Social reactions to sexual assault victims from various support sources. Violence and Victims, 16, 673-692.
[18] Ruggiero, K. J., Smith, D. W., Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. L. (2004). Is disclosure of childhood rape associated with mental health out- come? Results from the national women’s study. Child Maltreatment, 9, 62-77. https://doi.org/10.1177/107755950326030
[19] Ahrens, C. E., Campbell, R., Ternier-Thames, N. K., Wasco, S. M. & Sefl, T. (2007). Deciding whom to tell: Expectations and outcomes of rape survivors’ first disclosures. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 31, 38–49. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-6402.2007.00329.x
[20] Campbell, R., Dworkin, E., & Cabral, G. (2009). An ecological model of the impact of sexual assault on women’s mental health. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 10, 225–246. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838009334456
[21] Mason, F., & Lodrick, Z. (2013). Psychological consequences of sexual assault. Best Practice & Research Clinical Obstetrics & Gynaecology, 1(27), 27–37. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bpobgyn.2012.08.015
[22] Jacques-Tiura A. J., Tkatch R., Abbey A., Wegner R. (2010). Disclosure of sexual assault: Characteristics and implications for posttraumatic stress symptoms among African American and Caucasian survivors. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 11(2), 174–192. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299730903502938
[23] Child, Family and Community Service Act. (1996). http://www.bclaws.ca/Recon/document/ID/freeside/00_96046_01
*I do my best to ensure my posts are accurate and to cite reputable sources, however if you notice something that needs a correction please reach out to me at monica@beginagaintoday.ca.
